It’s perfectly normal for children to occasionally not want to go to school. After all, most adults have mornings when we’d much rather stay in bed than go to work. Perhaps you had a late night, the sun is shining and you’d rather be sitting in the garden, or it’s your birthday and you can’t help thinking, “Why can’t I just stay at home today?”
On these occasional days, we have an opportunity to teach an important life lesson: sometimes we don’t feel like doing something, but it’s still the right thing to do. By modelling this ourselves, we help our children learn resilience and responsibility. Our future selves often thank us for doing the things we didn’t feel like doing.
However, if those feelings become frequent, begin to build over time and eventually feel overwhelming, it’s important to look a little deeper. School refusal, sometimes called Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA), is usually a sign that something about school feels unsafe, unmanageable or emotionally overwhelming. The earlier you explore the reasons behind it, the easier it is to put the right support in place.
Be curious
Before jumping into solutions, try to understand what’s driving your child’s reluctance to go to school.
Choose a calm moment to talk rather than trying to have the conversation during the morning rush, when emotions are already running high. Children are much more able to explain how they’re feeling when they are calm.
Some of the best conversations happen side-by-side rather than face to face. Walking together or chatting in the car often feels less intense, making it easier for children to open up.
Rather than firing lots of questions, gently explore what might be going on. One question we particularly like is:
“If I had a magic wand and could make school better, what would that look like for you?”
Their answer can reveal far more than asking, “Why don’t you want to go?”
Look for patterns
Channel your inner Marple or Poirot and start looking for clues.
Ask yourself:
- Does it happen on the same day each week?
- Is it linked to a particular lesson or teacher?
- Does it always happen after weekends or holidays?
- Has something changed at school, such as tests, trips, timetable changes, non-uniform day?
- Could friendships be playing a part?
Often it’s the small patterns that help identify the real issue.
Talk to the school
Once you’ve gathered some information, arrange to speak with your child’s class teacher (primary) or form tutor (secondary).
When we’re worried about our children, it’s tempting to go straight to the headteacher. However, your child’s teacher or form tutor is usually the person who knows them best day to day and is often best placed to help.
Rather than catching them briefly at the classroom door, ask for a meeting and let them know what you’d like to discuss beforehand. This gives them time to reflect, observe your child and gather any relevant information, making your conversation far more productive.
Remember, you both want the same outcome: a happy child who feels able to come to school.
Work together
Schools regularly support children who struggle with attendance, so be open to trying different approaches. What works for one child may not work for another.
Together, you might consider strategies such as:
- A softer start to the day, perhaps helping with a simple job before going into class.
- A trusted adult your child can check in with if they begin to feel overwhelmed.
- A quiet space where they can regulate their emotions for a few minutes.
- Additional academic support if a particular subject is causing anxiety.
Finding the right strategy can take time, so don’t be discouraged if the first idea isn’t the answer.
What not to do
When emotions are running high, it’s easy to fall into habits that, although well intentioned, can make things harder.
Try to avoid:
- Lengthy arguments every morning.
- Dismissing their feelings by saying, “There’s nothing to worry about.”
- Assuming they’re simply being lazy or difficult.
Instead, acknowledge how they’re feeling. Try to see the situation from their perspective. Think about a time when you felt anxious or overwhelmed—what helped you then?
Once your child feels heard, it’s much easier to work together to find solutions.
Be patient
As much as we’d all love a quick fix, overcoming school refusal rarely happens overnight.
Progress is often gradual, with good days and more difficult days along the way. Celebrate the small wins and remember that each positive step is progress.
Most importantly, don’t try to manage it on your own. Lean on the support of family, friends, school staff and professionals. Supporting a child through school refusal can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to carry that responsibility alone.
With patience, understanding and the right support, most children can rebuild their confidence and return to enjoying school once again.
Need support with school avoidance?
If your child is finding school increasingly difficult, you don’t have to work it out alone. At Emotionally Healthy Minds, we support children and young people experiencing school anxiety, EBSA and school avoidance, helping them understand their emotions, rebuild confidence and develop strategies that make learning feel more manageable.
Our personalised support can include emotion coaching, counselling and emotionally informed tutoring, depending on what your child needs.
Find out more about our support for children experiencing school avoidance and EBSA →
