…mistakes aren’t evidence that they’re not clever. They’re evidence that they’re learning.
With a little help from AI, I recently created the picture above of my adult self giving my seven-year-old self a hug.
I’d seen the trend on social media and, if I’m honest, I wasn’t expecting it to make me think quite as much as it did. But as soon as I looked at the picture, I found myself wondering what I would actually say to that little girl.
This is a therapy technique commonly used in Emotion Coaching and Counselling and so is question we sometimes ask the children we support. We ask them to imagine they’ve grown up and are writing a letter back to their younger self. What advice would they give? What would they want their younger self to know? It’s always fascinating because children often show far more wisdom than they realise.
So, what would I say to seven-year-old Sarah?
I’d tell her not to let fear of making mistakes stop her from trying. I’d tell her not to make herself smaller just to make other people feel more comfortable. I’d tell her to stand up for what she believes is right, even when that’s the harder choice, and to believe in herself even when other people don’t.
I’d tell the little girl growing up on a council estate that there is a whole world waiting for her. That where you start in life doesn’t have to determine where you end up. I’d tell her to dream big, to work hard and to keep following the things that genuinely excite her because those passions will shape her future in ways she can’t possibly imagine.
But perhaps the biggest thing I’d tell her is that I wouldn’t change any of it.
Not the mistakes. Not the disappointments. Not the times things didn’t work out. Not even the seasons that felt really difficult at the time.
When you’re younger, it’s easy to think that success comes from getting everything right. Looking back now, I can see that it was often the things that didn’t go to plan that taught me the most. They made me more resilient, more compassionate and more determined. They shaped the person I became.
Why This Matters for Our Children
It’s something I think about a lot when I’m working with children.
One thing we’ve noticed over the years is just how frightened many children have become of getting things wrong. So many of them arrive believing that if they can’t do something perfectly, there’s no point trying at all. They worry about making mistakes in class, saying the wrong thing, getting the wrong answer or not living up to the expectations they think other people have of them.
Sometimes that perfectionism is obvious. Other times it hides behind avoidance. A child who refuses to start their homework, gives up quickly or says, “I can’t do it,” isn’t always being lazy or unmotivated. Quite often they’re protecting themselves from the possibility of failure.
When we understand that, our response changes. Instead of focusing on the work they haven’t done, we can begin by helping them feel safe enough to have a go. We can remind them that mistakes aren’t evidence that they’re not clever. They’re evidence that they’re learning.
The Confidence to Get Things Wrong
One of the biggest misconceptions about confidence is that it comes after success.
In reality, confidence often grows because we’ve experienced setbacks and discovered that we survived them. Every mistake teaches us something. Every challenge helps us develop resilience. Every difficult experience gives us another opportunity to learn about ourselves.
That’s why trying to protect children from every disappointment doesn’t always help them in the long term. What they need is the reassurance that they can cope when things don’t go to plan.
Why are so many children afraid of making mistakes?
I don’t think it’s because children today are less resilient than previous generations. In fact, I meet incredibly resilient children every week. I think many are simply growing up in a world where they’re under enormous pressure to get things right.
They’re tested more, compared more and, through social media, constantly exposed to carefully edited versions of other people’s lives. Many have become used to believing that mistakes are something to avoid rather than something to learn from.
Add anxiety, perfectionism or neurodiversity into the mix and getting something wrong can feel genuinely frightening. For some children, it’s safer not to try than to risk failing. That’s why we see children avoiding homework, refusing to answer questions in class or giving up before they’ve even started. It’s rarely because they don’t care. More often, it’s because they care so much.
If I Could Leave Her With One Thing...
I sometimes wonder what would happen if every child had an older version of themselves quietly reminding them that they don’t have to have everything figured out. That it’s okay to get things wrong. That confidence doesn’t magically appear one day; it grows every time we do something that feels difficult.
Perhaps that’s one of the most important messages we can give children today.
You don’t have to be perfect.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
You don’t have to get everything right first time.
You simply have to keep showing up, keep learning and keep growing.
One day you’ll look back and realise that many of the things you worried about mattered far less than you imagined, and many of the challenges you faced helped make you exactly who you needed to become.
Is Your Child Afraid of Getting Things Wrong?
If your child is becoming anxious about making mistakes, avoiding schoolwork, losing confidence or putting themselves under pressure to be perfect, you’re not alone.
At Emotionally Healthy Minds, we support children who are struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, low confidence and other barriers to learning. Through emotion coaching, counselling and emotionally informed tutoring, we help children feel safer, more confident and better able to cope when things don’t go to plan.
If you’re concerned about your child’s confidence or emotional wellbeing, get in touch for an informal conversation. We’ll take the time to understand what’s happening and explore what support might be appropriate.
